Pro Tips: Not being hungover when you’re old
Know what’s cool? Being drunk. Remember drinking in college and waking up the next morning feeling like a billion bucks? When you’re in your late 20’s and early 30’s, those days quickly vanish almost overnight. When I go out and get university-era sloppy, I feel it in my octogenarian bones unless I follow some drinking pro moves. It took a few years for me to get this routine down, but it’s an absolute requirement and really just common sense that everyone knows but never follows through on because they are too fucking drunk and lazy.
- Don’t drink like an asshole. Simple enough rule, no? You’re not in a frat house, get to a good enough drunk where you’re partially insane and then just maintain it. No dude over the age of 21 should be carried down the street by his friends. We’re drinking to numb the pain of our crap lives, not to kill ourselves.
- Keep it clear. This means vodka all night, preferably mixed with tonic water. The moderate amount sugar in the tonic will keep you going a bit, and the vodka will make you crazy yet not hungover. If vodka isn’t your thing, stick to one kind of hand liquor all night and then end the night on some beer. Don’t mix beer, liquor, and wine. The wine is an evil French asshole that will ruin the next day for you.
- Stay awake for at least a hour with no drinking before hitting bed. If you are massively drunk and you just pass out, you’re going to be fucked. Giving your body a hour to go “I hate you but let’s deal with this” is an absolute must. Stuffing food like pizza or tacos in your face at this point is highly recommended and aids in your recovery.
- Take a leak, get the last of that beer piss out the door. Brush your teeth so your girlfriend doesn’t kick you out of bed for alcoholic taco breath.
- Before hitting bed, drink as much water as possible. Keep refilling the glass and chugging like crazy until your stomach goes “I can’t take anymore fucking water bro!!!” At this point drink at least a half glass more than that, and you’ll be good to go.
- If it’s a seriously brutal night, take two Advil before bed. Taking medicine with alcohol will do nothing but burn holes in your liver, but you won’t notice those effects until you’re in your 40’s probably. That is like a decade from now so who cares, right?
- Leave a very tall glass of water next to your bed. You will inevitably wake up at exactly 5am with your mouth feeling like sandpaper and you’ll want to die. Getting out of bed is absolutely not an option at this point so a little foresight goes a long way.
- When you wake up the next morning, drink another glass of water and take a crap. That poo is all the poison you drank last night. Marvel at it. Take another Advil if need be, but you should be pretty decent. Grab some greasy food and maybe something sugary to kick your body into gear. I enjoy a coke with brunch or massive glass of OJ.
Bacon Cross-Stitch
I finally got around to framing up some of my more recent cross stitch projects. Inspired by a Sunday morning breakfast, I stitched three pieces of bacon in three shades of pinkish colored floss on cotton fabric with a vintage floral print. Ain’t it pretty?
BEAUTIFUL!
Dear Mama,
Please make this for me. Emil and I are really going to need it for our new apartment.
Love,
Adrienne
JEAH SON, THAT SHIT WAS FUCKED UP HOW HE GOT MERKED OUT LIKE DAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
pee my pants
deer head in the meat department, guarding the chicken. still awesome.
polaroid spectra…somewhere in alabama
